White Space = Unknown Space

Some say that April is a motherfucker. This year, it absolutely is in several ways but the biggest ways are still unknown.


I put off writing this chapter until the last minute. I had planned on penning it sooner- potentially even days sooner, but I held back. I may have a routine a bit even if that is posting within a chaotic frame.

Oh well, as long as she meets her deadlines, right?

Well about that…

Things have been difficult to source for a couple of items. I’ve been reaching out and reaching deep within me. I’ve been in sort of a limbo and white space of unknown but still… I’m not quite sure.

A major milestone happened this month. My daughter, named after the cherry blossom I fell in love with in my teen years long before she was ever born, turned the corner to adulthood. It represents a big breath that can finally be released. I am free of my ex. We can finally start a new page without any corrupt liars and in suits or lying crypt keepers masquerading to be saviors.

I have been waiting for this moment for so long.

I… wish so many things that I cannot get into even though, I do not need to worry about the abuses he’s bestowed on me any longer. I can finally reveal the truth of things in ways that will be between me & her. It’s been a long time coming. However, despite this, it’s a white space. It is unknown how it will go. Her father has had a long time to poison the well. I don’t doubt that it’s been mired up. There’s a lot of work to make things clean.

Things elsewhere are in that white unknown too.

There is a story about a time capsule that is in its own white space currently. I’m nervous about it. I wish that I could feel comfortable expressing about things but notoriety in activism comes with personal prices. There are folks screaming at a flower. What they don’t realize is that the flower is a tree and the earth and so much more than they even see in that small little leaf that makes them infuriated that it simply exists.

On the other hand, there are folks around me who… and I can’t thank these silent but patient people in this invisible floating cloud of an island of space I’m currently living on.

I really should be writing more on here but there is so much that I feel it wouldn’t be enough to express what I am feeling no matter how long this missive was. I will, I suppose, leave you with an allegory for you to think on.

A few years ago I was afraid of going to the Golden Gate Bridge.

There was something about it that made me both entranced and fearful.

I’d seen it in my dreams several times.

I won’t tell you every part of the dream but I can tell you this much-

The gateway to something substantial has always towered inside me with a deep red giant feeling. Before you start on a pathway of making some connection that I am somehow, grandiose, it is quite the opposite at times. I mean, I literally inhabit a tiny body. I’m a speck in the span of the world. To say that I feel giant or powerful at all would be quite a feat.

As tall as that bridge was, the way down also exists. I can see it all around me. It’s not just up above me but the bridge is but one tether. Any movement would mean falling into a deep white abyss of unknown.

In those dreams there is always flowers. Sakura is one of them. Lilacs, lilies, yellow picked dandelions & sunbursts with puffy white wishes waiting to fall and be released into the white around me.

There is color.

There is white.

There is red.

There is everything and nothing and little bits & small bits are all a blur of something that I don’t know how things are going to ultimately come to focus or where I may go after this but either way, it’s happening and I’m just going to see where this goes I guess.

Here goes…

Something?
Nothing?
Absolutely unknown white.